Most women who live with an abusive partner find it hard to see any pattern to the abuse. Their mate’s behavior seems bizarre and unpredictable. It seems unbelievable that the same person, who is kind and affectionate one day, could be cruel and malicious the next day. His hurtful behavior seems to come as isolated events. They may think of him as a generally “good guy” who does some really awful things once in a while.
The Three Phases: Honeymoon, Tension-building, and Explosion.
The Cycle begins with the honeymoon, which women often describe as an intense period of courtship. During this time, the relationship first gets established. Your partner’s behavior during the honeymoon period seems positive. He is attentive and considerate. He may give you gifts or make promises, or he may simply behave in a way that seems acceptable or “normal.” The two of you begin to establish a relationship together.
Then comes a period of tension building. This phase of the Cycle will vary in length. Some abusive men may be sullen, silent, unpredictable or moody for a period of minutes, hours, weeks, or months, creating unbearable tension in the relationship. The man’s behavior during this time may be angry or hostile. Women often describe their partners as being very critical of them. Some men withdraw from the relationship and appear disinterested and distant. They may justify this behavior with excuses such as stress from work or financial concerns. They may also explain their behavior by blaming their partners or children for creating problems. Men will often deny that there is a problem, insisting that there is nothing wrong with their behavior. Please note that most women, being the nurturers that they are, will try very hard to please their partner, then feel it’s not good enough, and try harder until they feel that they are walking on eggshells, living in fear and trying to avoid the next explosion.
The final phase of the Cycle is the explosion. The first time you experienced an explosion, it may not have seemed that significant, but it probably distressed you. Perhaps your partner raised his voice at you or swore at you. Perhaps he slammed a door or banged down a pot. Perhaps he walked away and gave you the “silent treatment.” If the Cycle has continued for months or years, the explosion phase becomes marked by increasingly brutal attacks, whether they are physical, verbal, psychological or sexual. The attacks also occur more frequently than at the beginning of the relationship.
After the explosion, your partner probably returns to the honeymoon phase. He stops the negative behavior he demonstrated during the tension-building and explosion phases and behaves again in a seemingly positive way. Your partner may apologize and promise not to act in such a manner again or he may simply resume behaving in a way that is acceptable to you. There are many tactics that he may use to convince you to stay with him. Now, please note why this may happen….he does not want to lose the person he loves and abuses. Being a caring, forgiving person, you accept his apology or reformed behavior, and your relationship, and the Cycle, continues.
We have realized that the abuser needs the victim as much as a bully needs a victim. Same scenario – different context. You may notice over time that your partner’s behavior during the tension-building and explosion phases becomes more extreme and closer to one another. His behavior during the honeymoon phase may also change; he may give more gifts and make more promises in order to “win you back.” Alternatively, some women find that the honeymoon period virtually disappears, and the relationship becomes characterized by the tension-building and explosion phases. Each time you take a spin on the Cycle of Abuse you lose a little piece of yourself. You never quite make it back up to your top again. Oh I know, you may think and believe you have… but you haven’t. Every cycle of abuse takes you lower and lower and lower until one day, there is nothing left of you. You just don’t recover. Look closely at yourself and your life… feel your feelings.
Through hypnotherapy, we help you listen to your own heart… reach into your true highest self and begin to heal all the labeling and emotional hurts you held on to. You can conquer the cycle and be a victor!
Our next blog will be about children in an abusive cycle.
